To bite, or not to bite.
Not others. I know not to bite others, as I did make it successfully through preschool.
I mean my tongue. It's a perpetual internal battle for me, at home and abroad. But the hardest I have ever fought this battle, has been in Aymanam.
"So are you married?...No!?...Well when are you going to get married?...What do you mean you don't want to?!...Oh you'll change your mind."
If I had one US dollar for every time I have engaged in this conversation here with complete strangers I would have approximately ten thousand rupees. If I had one US dollar for every time I had this conversation with individuals I do know, it would be significantly more. And of course this is just one of the very many conversations that challenge me to sit back and not allow the hot-headedness within me bubble up and spill over. No, I'm not married because I'm only twenty-three and I am not yet sure what I want to do with my life! And maybe I'll change my mind about whether or not I actually want to someday, but shit man let me decide that!
Then there are the unspoken conversations among myself, Marissa, and the six men we live with. We two American gals recognize that we perceive the gender roles in this country in a completely different light than those who are accustomed to, and accepting of them. And honestly they're not so different from the roles of our own culture's past. They're just grossly antiquated to us, and because of this we struggle to be helpful members of our community while also not feeling like we are allowing ourselves to be placed in the boxes they seem to wish our entire gender be shoved into.
Allow me to elaborate. I, a woman, am sensitive to the fact that the lives of women around the world are very different from my own. And this in no way makes me fundamentally disparate from, or superior to my fellow ladies. In the norms that I grew up in, we pushed back against the traditionally held views about where a woman is meant to spend her time. As I grew up, however, I learned to be respectful of those who make the choice to engage in these traditional roles. I don't wish to fulfill the role of homemaker, but I also know, and very much love, many many women who do. But it became very difficult to participate in this charade of gender roles when I reached India. The unending, and unspoken assumptions that are imposed upon me everyday make me wholeheartedly appreciate, value, and very much miss the place where I grew up.
We help out in the kitchen a lot. Sophy Aunty, our favorite human in the seminary, is our cook. But she too has her own life, and her own family for whom she is also the sole chef, so understandably, she goes home at 4:30pm everyday. Come evening time, someone has to heat up the meal she prepared in advance of her departure. So, because we are available at that time, and able to put a premade curry on the stove for five minutes to make it hot again, Marissa and I take turns heating up dinner every night. As the months have passed, we are doing more since we have became more familiar with the kitchen set-up (very different from our kitchens at home). Sophy Aunty will come a little late on Sundays, so I heat up the breakfast and prepare the coffee while everyone is at church. Then in the evenings, we will also prepare the tea. All of this is out of an attempt at being helpful. I can't manage the house financial accounts because I really am very inept in mathematics, I can't offer mass because I am not a priest, and I can't be the principal of the school, so I do what I can to be a good member of the community I live in. But it is extraordinarily frustrating how the treatment of us has changed. Not all the Fathers, but some have become far too comfortable. Sometimes, knowing full well the only people there to clean up are themselves, Marissa and myself, they leave plates, cups, and food out on the table, often with little to no intention of coming back to clean it up. Or they'll request something be prepared a certain way, or by a certain time. And they do this to us, the volunteers who give kitchen help as a favor to our fellow community members, as well as Sophy Aunty. Yes, it is in fact her job to maintain our kitchen, it is what she is paid to do. But I often find myself cringing at the way the Fathers treat her. I find it is similar in practice to some of my experiences with customer service, in that some people are very nice and grateful, and other people see the fact that you are being paid to serve them, and therefore conclude that it is actually your god given duty to do so. I wonder if Sophy Aunty takes their behavior as personally as I do. In some ways I think she might not, as her generation, as well as her culture very much still subscribes to the "ladies belong in the kitchen" gender roles. But inside, I detest this treatment so deeply because while I am aware it is not out of malice, I know these men are satisfied in seeing us take part in what they think is what we are "supposed to do." How do I know they feel this way you ask? Oh because they've said it, many times.
So what do I do when these able bodied men leave dishes for us to clean up, criticize Sophy Aunty's rice, and ask her to make something special for them, when she just prepared a meal for seven? Well often I bite my tongue. Surely not every time, because occasionally I do allow a small (or large depending on the scenario) comment to be made about certain circumstances. But there are absolutely other battles to be fought, so I find it best to save a small explosion for the perfectly apt moment.
Whatever the struggle is; incessantly being asked about our plans for marriage, not being understood when we express that it's really annoying to be asked about marriage all the time, having people assume you will clean up after them because you occasionally cook for them (because SURPRISE! I genuinely enjoy cooking, it's just not what I was put on this earth to do!!), or being told that my womanhood will not be fulfilled if I choose to not get married and/or have children (yes, a 70 year old man told us that), it's not always worth letting ancient opinions get the best of me. I did, in fact, give a very long winded reply to the last comment, but it was futile. His opinions are not going to budge on my account. Instead I choose to focus my energy on my students, the next generation. No, I do not force western gender rhetoric down the throats of young children. But I do freely offer my opinions (when appropriate) about how people should be allowed to live their lives the way they see fit regardless of their gender, and their society's opinions about the roles of that gender.
It is not my job to change a culture, and I would be wrong to think I should or could. But I'll be damned if I don't plant a few seeds.
